Missing a deadline, forgetting an important birthday, or making a misstep in a meeting can often set off a spiral of intense self-criticism, commonly referred to as negative self-talk.
Many people mistakenly believe that being overly critical of themselves after making an error will help them avoid similar mistakes in the future. However, this approach is usually counterproductive, according to Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.
“We tend to think that by being hard on ourselves we’ll somehow motivate better behavior,” Ho explains. “But what actually happens is that we create a cycle where our fears become reality.”
Rather than driving us toward improvement, this habit of harsh self-evaluation can actually sabotage our objectives. Brené Brown, renowned author and professor at The University of Houston, agrees that excessive self-criticism doesn’t build resilience.
“The foundation of true mental toughness lies in practicing self-compassion,” Brown stated during her 2022 podcast episode on “Unlocking Us.” She emphasized that those who maintain their mental strength do so by avoiding the traps of shame and relentless self-reproach.
Research from Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education backs up this perspective. When you’re not performing at your best, indulging in negative self-talk can make you more emotional and less capable of learning from your experiences. On the other hand, embracing self-compassion helps build resilience over time.
To combat these unhelpful thought patterns effectively, Judy Ho suggests adopting practices rooted in self-compassion. Here are three strategies she recommends:
- Challenge Your Thoughts: Confront your internal negativity by examining the evidence for and against your critical thoughts. Write down both sides—often you’ll find there’s more evidence contradicting your negative beliefs than supporting them.
- Adopt the “Yes…and…” Technique: Acknowledge both what didn’t go as planned and what you did well simultaneously. For example: if your presentation fell short but you successfully met another key deadline during the week—recognize both aspects by saying something like: “Yes, I wish my pitch had been stronger and I’m proud I managed my time effectively.”
- Reframe Your Feelings as Just Thoughts: Remind yourself that not every story you tell yourself is grounded in truth; they are just thoughts passing through your mind. This shift helps distance yourself from those thoughts because you’re acknowledging them without accepting them as absolute truths.
By incorporating these techniques into daily life, it becomes easier to break free from cycles of destructive thinking while fostering greater emotional resilience.